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  Once the door was open Kevin began to push DJ to the opening where he and Conrad lowered him into the seat. They looked at each other before Kevin leaned back down and buckled the man’s seatbelt. He stood and rubbed his hands on his jeans.

  “Can I give you boys a ride?” Conrad asked.

  “We’re fine,” Kevin answered.

  They stepped back and Conrad closed the door. He winked at the other boy, then walked around the car tossing his keys in the air before he got in on the driver side. He started the car and looked through the window to Kevin who stepped back onto the sidewalk and shook his head. He looked to DJ.

  Maybe tonight is my lucky night, he thought before shifted to drive and pulled onto the street. The drive back seemed impossible at first until Conrad remembered the path from Main Street. If he could get to Main Street then he knew he could find it, even if it meant doubling back it would still be easier than trying to estimate or guess even in this little town. DJ’s car was a little easy on the gas pedal but he found himself managing as he made his way to the trailer. He got to Main Street and things were easy from there. He pulled into the familiar parking spot and shut off the car. He looked to the trailer windows. The place was quiet and dark.

  He got out of the car and looked around at the other trailers. The whole world seemed impossibly quiet as if this is the one hour everyone slept. He moved around to the passenger side door and helped DJ out, closed the door with a slight push of his arm, helped the man up to his front door. Conrad unlocked it and pushed them inside to the couch where he dropped DJ and managed to hold himself back from crashing as well. DJ was face down but conscious, let out a moan. Conrad turned on some lights around the room, closed the front door, and looked back to the man. He saw his form, his slim legs, the way his jeans hung against his ass. It was too easy. He felt that same urge. I can get away with this, he thought. He’s mine. A nice, little straight boy right there for the picking. He swallowed. I have to make this certain, he thought, there could be someone else in the trailer.

  He made his way through the rest of the trailer, turned lights on and off as he went, ready with a story and a physical retreat if he found someone but the place was empty. There was no one there. There was no help and no witness. He went to the front door and locked it. He went to DJ and reached into his pocket. DJ grunted.

  “I’m just getting the money,” he said.

  He pulled out a wad of bills wrapped in a rubber band. He sat down next to DJ, slipped off the band easily and thumbed through the cash. For a moment it was too much to count but then he decided it was a time to be thorough, meticulous. He counted $860. He thought about his need. Fifty percent wasn’t fair, even with all this cash, he thought. He looked to the barely conscious man beside him, the paralyzed man.

  “It’s not going to be quite the percentage we talked about,” he said. “I might just take it all in fact.”

  He set the cash on the coffee table and got to his feet. He stepped behind DJ’s ass, pulled the shoes from his feet, and reached down under him to unfasten his belt. He grabbed hold of the waist bands of his jeans and underwear and pulled. In one easy motion DJ was stripped, skinned like a rabbit, down to his pale, vulnerable flesh. Conrad kicked DJ’s feet apart and undid his own pants and pulled them down along with his underwear, took off his shirt. It was strange to be standing there like that and yet it felt so exciting. It was almost too much. He was about to cross a line he hadn’t crossed in years, such a long time ago that he almost forgotten, felt forgiven for what he had done.

  No, he told himself, I am going to have it. When am I going to be here again?

  Chapter 29 - Police Scanner

  Sirens caused Kevin and Thad to perk up their ears as they sat in Thad’s photography studio in front of the computer monitor as Thad manipulated the senior photos.

  “Sounds pretty far off,” Kevin said.

  “Probably just a fire,” Thad said.

  They each had a cup of coffee. Kevin’s was in his hands as he blew over the top of it gently to try and cool it down. It was almost noon and Kevin hadn’t slept very long, only got a few hours before his body awoke with the sun, though slightly later than usual. He had felt bad about the night before with Conrad since he awoke but it felt worse as he sat there next to Thad.

  “So uh, I have to tell you something,” Kevin said. “I kind of made out with that guy Conrad I told you about. I was at a party and it just kind of happened.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Was he a good kisser?”

  Kevin shook his head and moved to Thad, kissed him briefly on the lips and pulled back to look him in the eye.

  “Not as good as you,” he said.

  “Was that it?”

  “Well, he wanted to go down on me but I couldn’t do it. We were in this guy’s home office and it just, I don’t know, didn’t feel right.”

  “Sounds risky,” Thad said. He looked back to his computer.

  “It was. Before that we were making out on the parents’ bed and we got caught. Before that we were making out in the living room in front of everyone.”

  “That sounds really risky,” Thad said. “Did anyone bother you?”

  “Mostly just the guy who lives there. He’s the one who kicked us out of the bedroom, called us ‘fucking queers’ but we kind of thought it was funny.”

  “But you didn’t want to go through with it?”

  “Not really, I mean it was kind of fun. I was mostly doing it to piss people off and kind of be a rebel I guess but it turned into something else.”

  Thad was focused on the computer and continued to manipulate the photos. He barely looked away when he took a sip from his coffee cup and set it back in its usual place. Kevin pulled his hands from his pockets and bit down on his thumb nail.

  “There was someone else though, a local. He heard about me kissing another guy and he came right up to me. I was headed out but I saw this look in his eyes. It was kind of like panic and need at the same time. I kind of thought he was going to attack me but he just introduced himself.”

  “Was he cute?”

  “Yeah, I guess. It’s just weird. I mean statistically there have to be other gay guys in town but I just never thought, I don’t know, that I’d meet them.”

  “Did you get his number?”

  “Yeah, but it’s like, I don’t know. He’s kind of a virgin and he’s not really out.”

  “Lot’s of guys would be into that,” Thad said.

  Kevin looked away then back at the man. Why did he have to be so sarcastic? Why did he have such a thick shell?

  “Can I ask you something?”

  Thad raised an eyebrow instead of giving a sarcastic remark.

  “Okay, I get it, I get it. I just asked a question.”

  Thad nodded.

  “I just don’t want you to take this the wrong way. Why doesn’t it bother you if I did something with another guy?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I had other experiences before you. Many of them were good, some of them weren’t, but I feel like I learned from them. I guess things are different now because of the internet.”

  “Do you mean sexual things? Do you want to try new positions?”

  “Maybe, I don’t know. I just don’t want you to miss out,” Thad said. “I don’t want you to settle for anything.”

  Kevin moved to him and they kissed again.

  “I’m not settling for anything. This is where I live.”

  “But not for the rest of your life right?”

  “I don’t know. Things are changing. They are talking about marriage equality and equal rights, protection against discrimination.”

  “Those things are fine but there’s just so little here for career opportunities--”

  Both of their phones began to ring at the same time. They pulled their phones from their pockets and looked at the screens and to each other. It was their boss, the newspaper editor. Thad shrugged his shoulders and answered it. Kevin silenced his, walk
ed away out of the room before he answered it.

  “Hello,” Kevin said. “What?”

  They were on a conference call.

  “There’s been a murder,” their boss said. “Lucy Kleinman’s body was found just a few minutes ago by her brother when he woke up. There was very little on the scanner but my guy inside gave me the heads up. It looks like murder. She was stabbed. I have to wait for a while but I want Thad to go to the house and take some photos. Kevin I need you to come in and help around the office. There could be lots of phone calls, maybe some cooperation with national news.”

  “No problem,” Kevin said.

  “I’ll be right there,” Thad said.

  They both ended the call and walked towards each other. Kevin was clearly more bothered by what he had just been told. He attempted to put his phone back in his pocket but missed and it slipped from his hand and thudded against the floor.

  “Are you okay?”

  “No,” Kevin said, “I was just at her house last night. There was a party. That was the party that...”

  “Hey, don’t worry about it. We can’t freak out right now. We can freak out later.”

  “But I just saw her, earlier in the evening. Heather and I were there.”

  Thad took hold of his arms and for a moment their difference of size, age, and maturity was instantly acknowledged as they looked each other in the eye. Kevin pushed closer, through Thad’s hands and into a hug. For a moment Thad was surprised by the act but delighted to have someone who could be so affectionate, so honest and emotional. It was something that had been missing from his own life.

  “It’s going to be fine,” Thad said.

  “Just don’t talk,” Kevin said.

  He didn’t want to hear false promises. He wanted to acknowledge the reality. He wanted to feel everything and anything he was experiencing, anything that was significant. They stayed like that for a long time before their practical minds kicked in and told them to move on, go with the process. Thad stooped down and picked up his phone, handed it over.

  “I can’t drop you by the office,” Thad said. “He’s going to want photos with the police cars around and everything before there’s a crowd.”

  “No problem, I can walk there.”

  Thad raised an eyebrow.

  “I can run there,” Kevin replied.

  They smiled at each other. They kissed. And then in a moment they were going their own ways. Kevin hustled out of the front door and began to jog away from the stores to where the newspaper office was located. He ran for a long time, was almost there when he thought about Heather and Simon. He stopped to catch his breath and pulled his phone from his pocket. He found her number, looked around, and made the call.

  Chapter 30 - All Roads

  Heather and Simon were side by side on her bed, neither of them could sleep. The events of the party were still fresh in their minds. Being chased away was humiliating. They didn’t want to think about it yet they didn’t have the urge to distract themselves or each other. Those acts felt like shrapnel lodged in their brains and they couldn’t sleep. Each new thought led back to the same place. Heather thought about Simon’s past and finally she decided to speak.

  “What happened between the two of you?” she asked.

  “Please, it’s so long ago, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “But I need to know,” she said.

  He let out a deep sigh and rolled onto his side away from her. She rolled to look at his back. She wasn’t going to give up easily. There was something there that needed to be said. She knew there was some truth inside of him. She wanted to spare him the guilt and the pain. She reached over and touched his hip, and he began to softly cry into his pillow.

  “I was such a fool,” he said. “She used me just like everyone else did.”

  “Tell me about it,” she said.

  He searched his memory for the facts and emotions, something he could tell her that would make it go away, but there was nothing, just his own embarrassing truth. He had been obsessed with her, went to her bedroom window night after night.

  “Please,” he said.

  “Tell me something.”

  He rolled over to face her and she kept her hand on his body. He couldn’t see her face completely, couldn’t look her in the eye. He wanted to tell her something. He wanted her to know but the shame was too great for it so he decided to make something up. He decided to lie to her, lies half based in truth.

  “She was flirting with me and she would tell me about how she used to leave her bedroom window open. I knew she wanted me to come by and see her. She said her neighbors had seen her many times, even complained to her father, but that she didn’t care. She liked the attention. I went there one night and it was like she knew I was there by the way she undressed. It was like a private show or something. So I went back several nights in a row until mother found out I was sneaking out of the house. Mother must have followed me. I was there in the darkness and she grabbed me, pulled me in front of the house for everyone to see. The whole family came out including her brother.

  “After that when we went back to school he started harassing me. I was a Freshman. He used to say that people like me should have their dicks cut off. He used to see me in the halls and I just knew he had it out for me. Then he started driving past me on my walk home. Him and his friends would harass me and try to hit me from the car. They would race home and get eggs. It was this game they played to try and hit me while I walked past the house. I thought about going another way but I didn’t want to show that I was afraid.”

  He held his breath for a moment and she brushed his cheek with her fingers. She couldn’t make out the details but she could feel his spirit there locked inside some misery, some internal prison.

  “It’s okay, you can tell me,” she said.

  “The day I stabbed him they were bothering me again. I just wanted it to stop. So I decided to confront them. I went to them and I told them to quit. Lucy was there, and a bunch of his friends. He started threatening me. I didn’t want to fight him and he was so big. He got up and it was too late. I couldn’t get away from him so I decided to stand my ground. We fought for a while until he got me down on the ground and that’s when I remembered my knife. He could have done anything to me. He could have humiliated me. He could have beaten me. He could have killed me. So, I pulled my knife out and I just stabbed him. I remember the look in his eyes and the way he panicked. He tried to get up but he fell on his ass.

  “After that it was over. My life as I knew it was over. They arrested me and I was sent to juvenile detention. Those years were like being in hell. You have no privacy, no sense of independence. Everything you do is scheduled and the boys there are ruthless and mean. The guards aren’t much better. They watch you in the showers and they try and make friends with you but it’s all to use you. They want to control everything about you because they think they know what’s best. I did six years just because I defended myself with a knife and he didn’t get in any trouble, nothing. And everyone blamed me. They made me out to be this pervert. My own mother wouldn’t defend me.

  “When I got out it was like no one wanted anything to do with me. I mean I never really had any friends but even the people I had to deal with, like clerks and cashiers, looked down on me, rolled their eyes. And my mother had been losing it for a while but when I got out she just kind of fell into this depression. Maybe she thought it would be different. I know I did. But she just kind of stopped living. It’s like I’m living with a zombie or someone who is all ready dead.

  “I thought it was all over. I had my escape plan for after she died and I would just go off somewhere and disappear, but then Conrad came back into my life and I met you. You make me so happy. I love you.”

  “I love you too,” she said.

  *****

  Five in the morning and Heather couldn’t sleep. She stared at the wall, studied the gradient of shadow there, tried to map each source of light and object that caused
the different shades but she was really thinking of one thing, one person, Lucy. She got up from the bed and looked to Simon who appeared to still be sleeping. She retrieved her cigarettes and walked out of the room. She stopped in the living room and looked at the empty chair where her father used to sit. She shook her head and walked to the front door, unlocked it, and opened it. She pushed open the screen door and stepped out onto the porch, took a cigarette from her pack, and lit it.

  There had to be some explanation, some meaning to it. She was tired of people getting their way. She was tired of being so dependable when everyone only took advantage her. She inhaled the smoke deeply into her lungs to get a familiar buzz.

  People can’t just get away with these things, she told herself before turning back and locking the main door before pulling it closed. She walked away from her house and out into the night. Her hands in her pockets she walked without direction at first, but then she found herself headed somewhere through turns that felt more of an impulse than a plan.

  It wasn’t difficult to make her way back to Lucy’s house. Each road leads home, she thought, and in this small town nothing is too far from anything else. She walked up to the front door and thought about knocking. The party was over and there was no one else around. It was the beginning of a new day, the sun had risen. The neighborhood was quiet. The house was quiet. She bit at her lip before moving to a window, but was disappointed to find it was covered.

  This wasn’t going to stop her. She began to walk, made her way around the corner, along the side of the house until she reached the open fence door. She was officially crossing over a threshold. I’m trespassing, she thought, but I have to know. I have to see her for myself.

  Heather stepped into the backyard to see the swimming pool was empty. At first it didn’t look like anyone else was around but as she walked further she saw a hand on the armrest of a chair. It was thin, delicate, and held something that looked like a cigarette, no a joint. Heather moved closer and watched from behind as the person smoked, knocked the ash to the ground.